Independent journalism.
Avian ownership.

NEWS FROM AN ABSURD WORLD

Woman Falls Behind on One-Second Life Plan

Woman Falls Behind on One-Second Life Plan

LOS ANGELES, FROM A WINDOWSILL OVERLOOKING SUNSET BOULEVARD — After years of telling clients to take life one day at a time, productivity coach Darren Cole has unveiled a new system encouraging them to take it one second at a time.

Local woman Rachel Mercer, 38, began the program at 7:00 a.m. Tuesday.

By 7:01, she was already behind.

“The problem is each goal takes about two seconds to read,” Mercer said. “So every second I’m doing the program, I lose another second.”

Cole said the growing delay is not a flaw in the system.

“It means you’re becoming aware of how much time you’ve been wasting,” he said.

Mercer’s first morning included instructions to blink, stand up, reconsider sitting down, drink approximately one sip of water and begin preparing emotionally for a task scheduled 11 seconds later.

At 8:34 a.m., she was still completing goals originally scheduled for 7:42.

“I haven’t technically started my day yet,” Mercer said. “But I have completed 3,118 steps toward starting it.”

Cole’s 630-million-step program promises to eliminate procrastination by ensuring users never encounter an unplanned moment.

According to promotional materials, spontaneous activity is responsible for “up to 100 percent of unscheduled behavior.”

Mercer said the system has already changed her relationship with time.

“I used to waste five minutes staring out the window,” she said. “Now I spend those five minutes reading instructions telling me not to.”

By Tuesday afternoon, Mercer had fallen far enough behind that her schedule instructed her to eat breakfast while she was already considering dinner.

Cole advised her not to skip ahead.

“That’s how people lose control of their lives,” he said.

Mercer is currently expected to finish Tuesday sometime Thursday morning.

She remains optimistic.

“According to the plan,” she said, “I’m doing great.”

Brave Pigeon Avatar