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Psychopath Test Flags Milk-First Cereal Pourers
WASHINGTON — The FBI announced Monday that it has added a new question to its official psychopath screening: Do you pour the milk or the cereal first? “It’s remarkably…
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Slaf Proudly Releases Book “One Hand, Full Confidence”
MONTREAL — NHL forward Slaf proudly announced Tuesday the release of his first book, One Hand, Full Confidence, a 412-page self-help guide explaining how a young player can build…
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Human Searching for Pizza Place in L.A. Instantly Crashes Entire AI Traffic System
Los Angeles ground to a complete halt Tuesday after a single unassisted human—identified only as “Bob, 47, hungry”—attempted to find a pizza place on his own. Operating a fully…
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New Shock Device Has Hockey Fans Buzzing
Hockey may have finally crossed a line—or completely fried it. A startup claims it has invented a revolutionary device that lets fans “motivate” players on their team with a…
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“Fed-Up Genie Goes on National TV to Clarify: No, You Can’t Wish for More Wishes”
In what experts are calling a full-blown supernatural PR meltdown, a visibly irritated genie known as Azrak the All-Powerful has launched a national TV and book tour to clarify…
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Fountain of Youth Discovered in Teenagers’ Urine
NEW YORK — In a groundbreaking study that has left the scientific community both stunned and mildly nauseated, researchers announced Tuesday that urine from intoxicated teenagers contains a naturally…
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Blackout, Hydro’s Bright Idea
Hydroelectric Company’s Halloween “Surprise” Leaves Town in Chaos In what officials described as “an ambitious community event,” the Quebec Hydro Authority shut off power to the entire province Friday…
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Humanity officially out of jokes
“Folks, tonight I’m gonna tell the last joke ever. After this, it’s all taxes and weather reports. Forever.” Nervous laughter rippled across the room. In the frostbitten depths of…
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Boeing Airlines: Crash Guaranteed or Your Money Back
In an audacious twist on air travel, Boeing Airlines has launched a ‘Controlled Crash Experience,’ inviting thrill-seekers to enjoy the unique sensation of surviving a plane crash. Bandaged and…
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Helium Secures Top Spot After Intense Lobbying Campaign
GENEVA — In a historic reshuffling that’s rocked the chemical community, the International Periodic Table Rankings Association (IPTRA) announced Monday that helium has officially overtaken hydrogen as the top…