GENEVA — In a historic reshuffling that’s rocked the chemical community, the International Periodic Table Rankings Association (IPTRA) announced Monday that helium has officially overtaken hydrogen as the top element on the periodic table, following what insiders describe as “a months-long media blitz and high-pressure lobbying effort from Team He.”
Helium’s campaign, fronted by sleek ads boasting the tagline “Lighter, Brighter, Sexier,” and calling out decades of so-called “unchecked hydrogen privilege” and called for a reimagining of what it means to be a leading element in the modern era. “Hydrogen’s held the top spot for over a century— and for what?” said Helium spokesperson Dr. Elaine McArthur. “Explosion potential? Please. People want stability and elegance now.”
Representatives from the Hydrogen Preservation Front (HPF) have pushed back fiercely, claiming the ranking shift is “pure optics.” “We’re the building block of the goddamn universe,” said HPF chair Dr. Michael Okafor, red-faced. “Helium’s just a party gas with a PR team.”
Other reactions from the periodic table element community included a sharply worded memo from Oxygen’s PR firm, North Axis Communications: “We’re not surprised. Helium’s been gaslighting everyone for months. Enjoy your little moment—some of us are literally essential,” said Dr. Hannah Stein. Meanwhile, a snappy statement from Dr. Luis Andrade at Lithium’s Public Affairs team read: “Oh great, more chaos. Because that’s exactly what this table needed right now.”
Yet, despite the outrage, Helium supporters remain buoyant. “This is what progress looks like,” said one Helium super PAC donor. “We didn’t float to the top. We rose above the bullshit.”
