In a move nobody asked for, the newest radical advocacy group, PETAV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and Vegetables), stormed the dietary ethics scene, demanding rights not just for animals but leafy greens too. “Plants have DNA, they breathe, and therefore, they mourn their murdered family members,” insisted PETAV spokesperson Michael Judowsky at their first rally.
Wielding leaflets, PETAV members enthusiastically shamed confused grocers and shoppers alike. “Enjoy murdering carrots, psychopath?” a PETAV activist scolded a baffled shopper who thought veganism was already the ethical high ground.
The group’s dietary guidelines are simple: “Eat rocks, sand, and naturally deceased wood.” Michael Judowsky, presenting a bowl of designer pebbles, argued, “It’s sustainable, ethical, and rich in minerals.” One activist clarified, “People whine about iron deficiency as an excuse to eat steak. If you need iron, just eat actual iron. Nobody dies from eating iron nails!” he confidently declared, in front of stunned passersby.
This extreme cuisine is trending among niche followers posting stone-based recipes on Instagram. “You’ve never lived until you’ve tasted granite granola,” boasted one PETAV devotee, smiling toothlessly.
Naturally, PETAV’s antics aren’t universally embraced. “Next, they’ll be saying we can’t drink water because it’s fish’s home?” grumbled one elderly critic. Scientists are equally skeptical, though some admit they’re grateful someone finally cares about botany.
Restaurant owners report harassment for “vegicide.” A shaken vegan chef revealed, “They called me a monster for grilling asparagus! Then they threw rocks at my stand—though oddly, they picked them back up for dinner.”
