WASHINGTON — The FBI announced Monday that it has added a new question to its official psychopath screening: Do you pour the milk or the cereal first?
“It’s remarkably accurate,” said Special Agent C. Runch. “Cereal-first people respect order. Milk-first people wake up and choose chaos.” The bureau says its hotline was immediately flooded with calls from concerned relatives. “My husband claims it keeps the cereal crunchy,” said one woman. “That’s exactly what a psychopath would say.”
Breakfast experts praised the test as “the biggest breakthrough in criminal profiling since fingerprints,” while cereal companies rushed to adopt the slogan: Cereal First. Safety First.
The FBI stressed that milk-first offenders can still seek help voluntarily. “But if you eat the cereal dry,” Agent Runch warned, “do not approach a breakfast table. Call us immediately.”
At press time, agents were surrounding a suburban home after reports that a man had been drinking milk directly from the carton.
