WASHINGTON, FROM A TRAFFIC LIGHT OUTSIDE FBI HEADQUARTERS — The FBI announced Monday that it has added a new question to its official psychopath screening: Do you pour the milk or the cereal first?
The bureau says the test has already identified thousands of individuals previously considered normal.
“It’s remarkably accurate,” said Special Agent C. Runch. “Cereal-first people respect order. Milk-first people wake up and choose chaos.”
The FBI’s hotline was immediately flooded with calls from concerned relatives.
“My husband claims it keeps the cereal crunchy,” said one woman from Ohio. “That’s exactly what a psychopath would say.”
The bureau confirmed that several individuals had been identified after pouring milk into an empty bowl while making direct eye contact with family members.
One suspect reportedly added the cereal one piece at a time.
“He knew exactly what he was doing,” Runch said.
Breakfast experts praised the test as the biggest breakthrough in criminal profiling since fingerprints.
Cereal manufacturers have also responded, with several companies announcing plans to print Cereal First. Safety First. on their packaging.
The FBI stressed that pouring milk first remains legal, although citizens are encouraged to report suspicious breakfast behavior.
“We’re not saying everyone who pours milk first is a psychopath,” Runch said. “We’re saying we haven’t ruled it out.”
Asked whether the test also applied to people who eat cereal without milk, Runch declined to comment, citing an ongoing investigation.
At press time, agents were surrounding a suburban home after reports that a man had been drinking milk directly from the carton.
